HmMmMm
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.