Hmmmmm
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
Redneck Divorce
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
