Ho Ho No
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Your mommaโs so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, โWho just threw that?โ The boy says, โMe! Iโm going home now.โ
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
๐ Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I donโt know I donโt have 2020 vision
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: โFirst offender?โ Lady: โNo first a Gibson, then a Fender.โ
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says itโs terminal.
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."