hol up
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together…
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser
Just to take the edge off
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.