Hold… hold… hold…
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."