Hold my juicebox while I impress her.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn’t get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
