Hold my juicebox while I impress her.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.