Holy Mackerel it’s Adolf Fin!
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
