Holy shit that’s boomer
Now I know why people call you handsome
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
To beat the crowd
All white, all white, all white.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
Which is the one about being in a closet?
It will be a sadder day
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
But he never laughs at any of them.
I'd have to change my name
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
It’s not the end of the word.
No text found
The high C.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
A pain in the ass…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Running out of gas!
You say Cheese!
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
I always respond with "ugh"