Holy shit that’s boomer
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Do cats stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'….And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell." After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?