Holy shit that’s boomer
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
