HoLY sHiT yoU fUckInG KilLeD hEr DudE

they're so full of themselves.

When I asked for nuns?

Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?

I’m easily suede.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

I bought a safe for my home

Aerial.

quack cocaine

The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

It’s all about raisin awareness

A gummy bear

That was not a good sign.

We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."

Navel academies.

I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.

That’s….sound advice.

Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.

No text found

Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

I’ll let you know.

Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.

What a strange way to start a conversation with me…

I exist and she doesn't

They now yell “Donald, Duck!”

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…

Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.

Dirty Squarey

So instead, a subreddit.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

All he did was wine

Especially since his name is Steve

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

The walking debt.

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Remains to be seen!

…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?