Holy shit you killed her
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”