HOLY SHITT 😂😂😂😂😂😂

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!