HOLY SHITT 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
An interview with a vampire
An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
