After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Not having friends has turned me into a capitalist
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
Stackoverflow be like, “Let me help you, dude!”
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
There’s no way to run away from it
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
He’s not wrong
[image] School time memory
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah. "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here – he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me – I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
Oh, ha, husband bad this time 😎
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
It’s Breathing In Formation, not Breathing Information
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
Atleast it works.
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
Had us in the first half, ngl
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
true or false?
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
Maybe it is….
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Struggles of science students
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
When your code runs too slow
It’s just a prank, bro
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
This is so sad, yet i enjoy it
This sign at a restaurant me and my friends go to every weekend. Rip men.
What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve done for money?
What do you call a magical bra?
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
Its a collaboration thing
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
Ah yes, the good old days
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Stack overflow 😀
Found at the Computer Science Department of Saarland University, Germany
My father doesn’t trust anyone. In fact he has a saying…
But he won't tell me.
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Fun for the whole family!
Being a TA means making memes
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
All you need to know about linux in one picture
Women for Trump
This is the leader of my country
What weighs less than blue ?
Blind leading the blind …
Haha get it?
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
/give @p 137
Science amirite bois
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."