Honesty is the best policy
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday