Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
No text found
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldnβt stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him βDid you go to Harvard?β
He said, βYaleβ. I said, βI SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?β
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!