Hope this isn’t a repost.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
I, for one, like roman numerals.
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The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money…
But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He told his secretary to send $2 to the boy. The President thought it would be a lot of money for the little boy. The boy was happy to receive money from God, so he sat down to write a thank-you note that read: Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Washington, and as usual, the devils took 80% of it!
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch