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(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
…said it was only used from time to time.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
A receding hair line.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I call it "Letter Rip."
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
“Yep, she got the house”
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
The second ones is a repost like this joke
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
But her aim keeps getting better.
I refuse to go that level
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
It really came out of the purple.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."