Hopefully they will grow up…
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him đ
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasnât at work
She must have called in thick
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another manâs wife
Happy Motherâs Day!
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldnât think less of a person because of that personâs name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: Thatâs what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didnât stick.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
Did you hear about the mathematician whoâs afraid of negative numbers?
Heâll stop at nothing to avoid them
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, âLOOL AREA!!â
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. âYes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first âPâ of any word that starts with P with an âLâ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter âPâ." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, heâd be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, âServing Lierogies and Lork tonight.â Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, âWhereâs the lunchline?â
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
Mud
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
My favorite sex position is called âWOWâ…
Itâs when I flip your MOM over.
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said âHimalayan on the street.â
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I donât agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
âDad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?â
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where thereâs a will, thereâs a weigh.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says âthere is one this I always wanted to know. â
âOk, ask awayâ God said. âDo vaccines cause autism?â She asked. âthe truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autismâ God admitted. The women shakes her head and says âThey got to you too, this thing really goes high up.â
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
nothing tops a plain pizza
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Whatâs the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter âfâ
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.