Hospital funny
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, โSo Serena, Whatโs your favorite planet?โ
Her: Itโs Venus. Me: Iโm sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"ย "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
โYes, we arson.โ
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
I phoned my work this morning and said, โSorry boss, I canโt come in today, I have a wee cough.โ
He said, โYou have a wee cough?โ I said, โReally? Thanks boss, see you next week!โ
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral…
…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said โ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ He calls a sailor over and says โJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back upโ. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says โ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says โ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says โ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says โ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says โI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says โYou can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says โ And that gentleman is courage"
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, โWhat kind of car ya got there, sonny?โ The doctor replies, โA Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!โ โThatโs a lot of money,โ says the old man. โWhy does it cost so much?โ โBecause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!โ states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, โMind if I take a look inside?โ โNo problem,โ replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, โThatโs a pretty nice car, all right, but Iโll stick with my moped!โ Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror โ what it could beโฆand suddenlyโฆ WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! โWhat on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?โ the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that itโs the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! Heโs feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and thereโs nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, โOh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?โ The old man whispers, โUnhook my suspenders from your side mirror.โ
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Whatโs the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know itโs been fired
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Frank?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" "No — I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why Iโm the only child.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.