Hot Air and BJ
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
