How a juggler makes scrambled eggs
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…