How a juggler makes scrambled eggs
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
