How a juggler makes scrambled eggs
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
![Arrays Start At [0]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ys465mtjl8051-400x454.jpg)
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
A clean joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Welcome to /r/CleanJokes! I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
Clean joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
