How about some English boomer humour for a change?
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
A chicken pie in jamaica costs Β£2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs Β£2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. Β£2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said
βYesβ βOuiβ βSiβ βJaβ
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
Wife: we shouldnβt curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnβt unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnβt know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, βHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?β He hadnβt and said so. Then she said, βTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheβs really doing.β Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. βWell, is she selling drugs?β she asked excitedly.β βNo, sheβs not.β he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. βWell, what is it, then?β his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. βHer name is Sally and sheβs selling batteries.β βBatteries?β cried the wife. βYes,β he replied. βShe sells C cells by the Seashore.β
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, βDo you mind taking the dog for a walk?β
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β
The bear replies, βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed.β
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable β an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched β with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
Whatβs the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize