How about those ex-wives, right guys
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Bursting into blamegames
Omae wa mou shindeiru
Ngl this was what we did on our free time
thought it belonged here
I can’t be the only one who does this
Spotted on my Stepdad’s Facebook feed …
[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
He’s so proud too!
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
Difficult to wrestle with a Boner.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
Three disabled stranded men
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
God Bless my Family
Found this postcard at my bfs parents, just translated it from German.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Obama Conspiracy on the first day
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Just Project Manager things!!!!
lets patent retry
At least he has it memorized…
i expect at least 5 claps from this
Pp very hard
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
But it works doesn’t it?
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
Another Science Funny
I don’t even know what to say.
Boomer sound intensifies
Aah yes let me see what the problem is…
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
Might as well call a spade a spade
Well this is ironic
My father sent me this and I dont even know what to say
Long-time lurker, here’s a thing
This Hurts On So Many Levels
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
An interesting title
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Perfectly balanced, as all circuits should be.
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Holy shit, it’s everything wrong with politics in the Western World!
Really… Sarah Palin?
So much disappointment
King of the Snowflakes
Racism is no more.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He gets disqualified