How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
Business is really surgeon.
Outlaws are wanted.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
Quick answers please.
They always quack the case.
A platonic solid
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
Guess you can call it glockomole
Now they just call me Dav.
Where you put the cucumber
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
…it was fantastic!
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
but then I started to see the signs
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
I'm open to suggestion.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
For Hispanic Attack!
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
The Jewdiciary branch
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
It was about time.
It was a real slap in the faith.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
There's too much sax and violins
You can never find the barcode
It was a Shih Tzu.
Those damn mooselimbs.