How are you going to pay for that?
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I’m a bald man and I’m thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard