How can they see over their giant noses?
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots