How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Because you can see right through them!
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
I’m more of a so-sopath.
As big as the previous two combined
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
No text found
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
It’s fully groan.
I guess it's only fare
Same middle name
But it's paper view only.
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
But he was nicholas.
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
Me: sipping toast Why?