How can you potentially kill someone with some Potassium, Nickel & Iron
![A wrong turn on the water cycle [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/uwdt5iu2pc441-400x530.jpg)
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
![[NSFW] religious boomer humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/hujfv3di81r41-400x578.jpg)
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
