How can you potentially kill someone with some Potassium, Nickel & Iron
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
I think this belongs here
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
“Is Glass Really A Liquid?”
What’s your address?
The whole Droid family
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
At the desk of the dermatologist I work with
Thyroxine is trying its best.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
Happy New Year
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
V I B E C H E C K
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
3 is a magic number
Cheating I s very funy
Fuck that guy
Splish splash your opinion is trash
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
they have a name you know >:(
Convincing Moscow Mitch
Men=dirty and wife does all the work
Sad Analogue Noises
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
Free Baby Boomer Detective Stories!
How the rest of the world imagines programming
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
not happening anymore
No mucous membranes touching
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
Kiss my nose
Happy Earth noises
You right buddy, but this ain’t code it’s an ancient spell.