How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
A father in law
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
It scares the dog.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
…of the indoor fins…
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
One is meteor ☄️
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
I'm not buying it
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Everything I eat goes to shit
All he did was wine
At the baa baa shop!
He hates it when I say his name backwards
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A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
Allow me to demenstruate.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
I General Lee don’t find them funny
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
Sometimes he laughs.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Off course we are
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."