How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
