How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
It means a lot to them.
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
It is a very rare dish order.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I was the control group.
He wanted to be a sue chef.
Look for the fresh prints.
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
It isn’t stroganoff
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
They're the wurst
It writes other words too.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”