How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
I’m going to rewrite history
History
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.