How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck
Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
I recently took a poll
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.