How dare they tarnish Calvin and Hobbes
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Three married men are complaining about their wives.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…