How dare you?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
A blind man goes into a restaurant…
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
