How dare you threaten my freedoms!!!!

Facial muscles.

But his brother Frank was a monster!

“Thank you for your service”

Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"

Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.

One day he got so angry, he just flipped.

First my granny dies, now this?

On a plane!

But sadly none of them work.

You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

I said: “Please don’t mention it.”

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

Or on Earth.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear…this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants…." "Oh, Sister…!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!" One of my favorite jokes

We have to. She doesn't have one.

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. ​ One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." ​ Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." ​ So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." ​ Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." ​ So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." ​ So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." ​ Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." ​ Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." ​ Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." ​ Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." ​ Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. ​ Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." ​ Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."

I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.