How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs,
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
