How did Hitler tie his shoes?
She has the world worst stutter.
I have a father figure
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
For example, airport security.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
A piece of cake.
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
With his bear hands
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
I don’t even touch it
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
… what should I feed it?
So I packed my stuff and right.
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.