How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts cost 2.50 deer nuts are just under a buck.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable