How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelorās degree.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I donāt have enough karma
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, āLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?ā
Larry replies, āGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heās fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iām done, poof! The light goes off.ā āWow, thatās incredible,ā the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryās wife. āBonnie,ā he says, āLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iām in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heās done, poof, the light goes off?ā āOh sweet Jesusā, exclaims Bonnie. āHeās peeing in the refrigerator again!ā
Whatās the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..Oneās a Corona virus and the otherās a Verona crisis.
I donāt always roll joints…
But when I do itās usually an ankle
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-37-400x247.png)
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.Ā However, I want you to appreciate it.Ā As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened.Ā His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.Ā When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.Ā He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said āwell son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years Iāll get another.ā
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.