How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering. "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"