How did we ever learn how to spell.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
French people don’t masturbate
They jacques off
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
