How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Y’all are weird.
Y’all are weird.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
You can’t plant any flowers
if you haven’t botany
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan