How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" š
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Whatās the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then āuh ohā and the other goes āuh ohā then WHACK!
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
Did you know the first French Fries werenāt cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasnāt opened it yet.
father: how are your grades son?
š· son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didnāt like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, āHi Iām Joe. Iām here to pick up Flo. Weāre going to the show. Is she ready to go?ā The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, āHi Iām Freddy. Iām here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?ā The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, āHi Iām Chuck ā and the farmer shot him.
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Why couldnāt the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I couldnāt decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.