How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"