How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
![[Legit] Facebook friend is single, ladies](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/ccgn3unc5ao11-400x205.jpg)
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"