How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.