How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. “Amazing” says John “Best meal ever” says Phil “I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. “I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John “Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil “Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!” He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”