How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I donβt even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, βI make bets with people.β The banker tells him, βHow do you make so much?β The man says, βHere, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.β The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, βBecause I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.β
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Teslaβs donβt have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was βthanksβ…
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donβt.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9βs death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7βs house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9βs body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Iβll let you know.
IΒ΄ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.