Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!