How do they find their way home?
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates…
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”