How do you call a group of transgender women?
The Ex Men
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.