How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'