How do you comprehend anything this man says?
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
Why can you get arrested if you tell Optimus Prime a joke?
Vehicular man’s laughter.
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
